Let me tell you all about Conestoga:  I've never seen anything like it.

Trusted,  I didn't attend many cons, but the ones I did attend had panels with an audience of 12-15 people and usually someone left before they were over.

FFF's first panel took place in a room designed to hold 35 people.  As we walked in, there was no space.   Let me reiterate: every chair was occupied and there was no space along the wall.  Elspeth, the con organizer, who was the most capable person I've ever met at such an event, immediately produced more chairs, which bumped the seating capacity to 45 and people were still standing.   

We also gave away an unholy amount of free books.  We had a raffle at the panels, and people won these really big black FFF bags full of stuff.  And even with that, we still had a huge table covered with free stuff, but by mid-Sunday it was all gone.  Need to bring more swag.

But  I know you are here for the funny, so let me start at the beginning.  Okay I just would like to say one more thing:  I met Glen Cook!  GLEN!  COOK!  GLEN COOK!!  He brought me a ticket for a free drink!  I am NOT joking.  Okay, I ill stop now.  On with the story:

Part 1: The Trip.

The trouble started in Alabama. 

The decision to attend Conestoga was made on the spur of the moment.  I hadn't planned to go but Jeaniene Frost, who was driving up to Conestoga from the wilds of Florida, needed a driving buddy and I jumped on the chance.

The first day of driving was uneventful.  Jeaniene, in her wisdom, printed both Mapquest directions and acquired a vehicle with the Tom-Tom (Hertz Neverlost).  We mostly exchanged weird gossip and consoled each other regarding our many writerly shortcomings.  We stayed the night in a lovely hotel in Birmingham, Alabama and set out early in the morning.

Fifteen minutes out of the hotel, Jeaniene noticed that Tom-Tom's distance mysteriously differed from MapQuest's distance by 130 extra miles.  Upon which I thought about it and commented that we should be hitting I-40 via I-78, heading to Memphis, while Tom-Tom sent us climbing north along I-65 I have never heard of.  We stopped at a gas station and asked a lovely local gentleman to direct us.  Upon hearing out dilemma, he immediately informed me that we missed the I-78 exit and directed us to it.

Tom-Tom had a conniption fit.

First it demanded we make a "legal U-turn as soon as possible!" in a female tone usually reserved for "hands up or you're dead!"  Then, upon entering I-78, Tom-Tom refused to acknowledge that we, in fact, hit the highway.  It was convinced that we were flying through the woods approximately two hundred yards off the road and it continued to inform us that it was "recalculating route" and made unreasonable demands of "proceed to highlighted route", which happened to be whatever side road it thought we were flying over.  It finally came to its senses a few minutes before Memphis.

It did the same thing on the way back.  Neverlost my foot.

Part II: The People:

May I just tell you how much I liked Mark Del Franco?  We both share unholy addiction to coffee and we had some lovely conversations over cups of java.  When Mark joins a conversation, he has such a comfortable, calming way about him, that even a nitwit like me felt the urge to be civilized and pleasant in his presence.  He also has awesome moderating skills.  We had no dead air on any of the panels I witnessed, and I witnessed most of them because I helped to record them (and yes they will be available online at some point for your viewing, so you will get to see me and others in the wild), but I ended up having two panels with Mark, and I can tell you, I've enjoyed the experience enormously.

I really enjoyed the whole con, which is unusual for me, as I abhor social gatherings of any kind.  There was just a very comfortable vibe about it.  I liked speed dating, even though it was hectic, and there was NONE of that "promotion, promotion, promotion" tediousness you see sometimes at author-reader events.  The schedule allowed for a whole bunch of "meet the authors in a casual atmosphere" opportunities and that was really the best way to meet. 

But yes, back to people in no particular order, and I am sorry if I forget anyone:

Jeanne Stein – Jeanne had so much class.  When I grow up, I want to be just like her.  We chatted a few times, and I always came away impressed.  She was on several panels, and she is very witty.  (Note to self: buy the book!)

Jeaniene Frost – Jeaniene rolls out of bed and in ten minutes her hair is curled, her makeup is on, her clothes are impeccably pressed, and she looks ready to have a career-changing lunch with her editor.  I am not kidding.  There was a moment when Melissa and I sort of stared at each other over our caffeine and agreed that it just wasn't natural.  Jeaniene was mostly running around making sure everything ran smoothly, but she found time for Meet and Greet event at the bar and several panels, the funniest of which was the Sex panel, on which there was much hilarity and discussion of dolphin penises.

Melissa Marr was incredibly nice.  I found her forthright and sincere and very pleasant to be around.   she was swarmed by fans, but we still got to chat and I enjoyed hanging out with her.  One of her fans was there, a young girl who traveled several hours specifically to meet her, and Melissa made time for her, which I thought was very nice. 

I hate Patrice Michelle.  Patrice is tall, gorgeous, blond, and very down to earth, and she writes kickass books.  If I didn't enjoy her company so much, I'd probably have to assign her the position of my nemesis, which is currently somewhat vacant.  We went out to dinner and I saw her at signing.  I wish she lived closer so I could meet her for coffee.

Speaking of people I hate – Jen Barnes.  Jen is pretty, fun, scarily smart and erudite, and is great fun to have at the panels.  She just about gave me an inferiority complex.  I haven't read her books, but now I want to.  I was terribly impressed.  She is also very good at rock throwing.

Marie Brennan is daunting in person.  Let me rephrase that: Marie is funny and pleasant, and easy going, until you ask her something related to history and then the flood gates open and you feel the need to hunt for a pen and paper and take notes because cool stuff just keeps coming and you need to write it down.  I don't know how she stores it all.  (I lost my mind and stole one of her books {with permission} because I had to have it.) She is moving to West Coast, but I still want to meet her for coffee.

Rachel Vincent was at a panel with me and I thought she was very smart.  When you're in Rachel's presence, you just get a feeling that she is an upfront, honest, kind person and I really wished I had more time I could've spent with her.  She made some really smart points at the panel we had together and I want to pick her brain.

Tiffany Trent is probably one of the sweetest people you'll ever meet.  She smiled a lot and she, Sarah Brennan,  J. Cheney, and I  went to dinner at Cheesecake Factory, which was awesome.  Sarah is hilarious, but she seems to have an unhealthy fascination with zombie boyfriends.   I am not quite sure how the zombie thing works, but she is a ton of fun.

Speaking of zombies, Mark Henry was there, being his usually snarky and fun self, but unfortunately I only saw him very briefly. He always seemed to be talking to someone and I never quite got to hang out.   I saw Dakota Cassidy – who is beautiful in person, Gena Showalter, who needs no introduction and with whom I really wanted to speak with but she was feeling a bit under the weather so I left her alone, Jaye Wells, oh and Devon Monk – I liked her a great deal. 

Let's see, Dean Lorey impressed me.  He was laid back and very collected.  His book sounded really intriguing: there is a nightmare realm where monsters exist.  I am going to hunt it down and buy it, because my kids would go crazy over it.

 Jeri Smith-Ready was very funny.  Oh, Brian!  Brian Kell, was completely and totally cool and his wife was awesome.

PC Cast and Kristin Cast were absolutely, hands down, the funniest, most entertaining pair.  I am picking up copy of Warrior Rising as soon as I can get my hands on it.  I would be on any panel with them any time.

Rachel Caine was the picture of class.  She has this subtle sense of humor which, when you meet her, makes you want to hang about and wait for the punch line.  I thought her observations on self-imposed rules in the narrative were extremely insightful.  I also had a moment of fan girly shyness and kept thinking of smart stuff to say to her and couldn't think any up.  Drat, you guys will just have to wait for the video.    

Who am I forgetting?  I didn't meet everybody, and I probably forgot someone, but I had a blast.

:falls down:

I done run out of steam.  I'm so glad I went.